Still the fat girl...

I don't get it, I really don't.  I'm here in my closet cleaning it out and found a bag...a bag of my old jeans sizes vary from 18 to(yikes)20!  I'm standing here crying.

Why?

Because guys STILL see me as a friend.  I WORKED my ass off but still I am deemed "friends" status only among other things.  What am I doing wrong?  I have been nice and happy towards everyone.  I know, I know, I don't need a man in my life but I still want to be the girl thats seemed "wanted" instead of "Oh you are just a good friend". 

I decided that I'll probably go back on HCG and lose the rest of the weight and when guys that looked at me as a friend now want me its too.damn.bad.

I'm done with this, I'm done being the fat girl, I thought I wasn't the fat girl anymore but I still am, and will continue to be til I am 130 lbs and I will do ANYTHING to get there.

I have realized lately that most guys don't want fat girls and I want to shove my eventually skinny self in their faces and tell them to kiss off.

Its been 10 years..

I remember that day.  I was scared as hell in the stirrups when the doctor was doing a colposcopy on me.  I later figured out I was misdiagnosed with HPV so afterwards I was sore and ready to just go home and go to bed.  I came out of the room and my mom was in the waiting room watching the news.  We were living in Germany at the time so when it happened at 9 a.m. it was around 2 p.m. I think.  She said that a plane hit a building but we weren't sure what was going on.  We were going home and a friend had called and said a plane hit another building and then we were sure that something was wrong.  We went home and watched the news and saw exactly what was going on.  From then on out everything changed.

If you lived overseas during this time it was not only scary but everyone was on edge and for good reason.  We were shut down, cars were checked, everything had to be.  When you thought living in America was safe, you were wrong, unfortunately nowhere is safe.

We always should remember and never forget.

30 day blog challenge~Day three

Day 3-Whats in your purse?

Whats NOT in my purse?

I have a 4 year old daughter and 6 year old son I have to be prepared for ANYTHING!

I have(by memory because my bag(or what my friend Bri calls "diaper bag") is upstairs:

Wallet with many cards
a pencil case that holds pens, gum, chapstick, knick knacks
a little bag that holds a contact case and a mini bottle of solution(my eyes are always drying out)
a folder that I keep when I need to go to an appointment or need paperwork for anything
a beauty case that I keep if I stay over at a friends house
pullups/panties for Lila
stickers/toys
liquid drink mix I put in water
craisins(trying to eat healthier!)

I probably left out a few others but this is what I remember having in it

30 day blog challenge~Day two

ugh such a procrastinator but I'm going to keep on this!

Meaning behind your blog name

I chose this name after my ex and I split up.  I wanted to write about my journeys as an army wife, good and bad and reflect on them.  I'm currently working on an entirely new blog which I plan on moving everything to when I get more time to do it!

30 day blog challenge~Day one

I decided after checking out an awesome blogger Life Beyond the White Picket Fence that I would do the 30 day blog challenge.  I still have been procrastinating on my 30 day picture challenge which has been irritating me because most of my pictures are in storage and I'm NOT about to even go there this will have to do for now.

So, here we go

Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts

My name is Crista and I been through alot this past year but I've managed to work, go to school, and take care of 2 kids without completely losing my mind.  Blogging has been my therapy and having positive friends have helped also.

1. I am a recently divorced wife of two kids
2. I have lost over 60 lbs and still working on 30 more

3.  I love meeting new people, my happiness scale is through the roof when I am able to be around people and socialize with others

4. I think gay men are the best people in the world and I wish that I could have a pocket sized one

5. I have learned to be a better accessorizer.  Since losing weight I try and look my best.

6. My cat seriously has issues but we totally get each other

7. My daughter is my diva and she has got me to love and appreciate the color pink

8. My son has taught me that there are good guys in the world and I'm fairly certain he will make one fantastic husband to a lucky lady

9. I have recently learned that being in a bubble will only make your depression worse

10. I have to always be doing something, I get bored very easily

11. I wish one day that I find a guy that gets me and is my soulmate and that I'm truly in love with him

12. I am a proud Christian and when I feel that I'm off the path I tend to talk to my Godmother for advice and I also watch Joyce Meyer

13. My favorite guilty pleasure movie is Napoleon Dynamite. I like to watch it when I'm sad or feeling off that day

14. Though sometimes I can be a bit scattered I am a fairly good organizer and I'm also a list maker.  I will write things down but sometimes forget..I blame it on mommy brain!

15. When people try and push me down emotionally I have learned to get back up and fight because I know that I'm a good person and a good mom.  I'm not perfect but no one is!

We all want happiness

I have had an enlightenment.  I wanted to go to church today and looked up when the church I go to for PWOC had services and it said 11 a.m. so I got up got ready and left.  I went into the church and noticed I was the only white person there and got looks like "girl, you are so out of place" so I took my cell phone and pretended I had a call and left.  I realized it was the right church, wrong service.

When I got home I discussed the situation with friends on facebook and got encouragement that I should have just stayed and it got me to think that just because you feel out of place it doesn't matter, just stay and see how it goes.  I guess maybe I should have just swallowed the doubts and just do it.

I am now listening to Joyce Meyer as my inspiration and my Sunday service for the day, she totally makes me happy and lifts my heart to God.


* I realize that not everyone are Christians and I am open to all religions, I used to be Wiccan but I decided that Christianity was a better path for me.  I'm not telling anyone to be a Christian if they choose not to, it is YOUR path that YOU choose! :)

Some days I am happy and some days I just want to be sad and left alone.  Sometimes I feel empty and worthless and I try to not feel that way but we are all human beings and we all have emotions.  People who say they can never be happy are denying themselves and they are not accepting to the fact that they can be happy if they just open their eyes and see that there are people who love them and care for them if they just accept it.  I have met some people who just don't care about anything and I would try and be there for them but they just won't accept it or won't care to accept it, theres nothing else you can do about it.  I have been trying to surround myself with happy positive people because life is not worth living if you are just going to sit on a black cloud and mope every damn day. 

We all need and we all want happiness we just have to find them and we can't find them if we sit and bitch about it in a secluded bubble with no human contact.

Mama Kat's writing workshop

I chose to write a short story about my favorite song.  This has been my favorite song lately because of the words behind it.

The story:

This girl met a guy around March.  They spent some time together, her trying to get over her marriage and they had a lot of fun together.  There were periods of not talking because she had work and kids and didn't have time.  There were times he'd message her and wonder why she didn't message her.  He seemed to want to spend time with her, his words never registered in her mind because she thought he was one of the typical guys who just wants what all guys want.  She started dating another guy which last about a week.  The weekend she was still with the other guy, he messaged her and she told him that she was dating someone else.  He told her that he was going to ask her out that night.  She was devastated.  She decided to meet him that night which turned into more than she thought.  He still didn't ask her to be his girlfriend which upset her even more.  This "relationship" went on and then about a month later out of the blue messaged her and told her he was getting kicked out of the army and moving to another town about an hour away but he still wanted to be friends.  She met up with him and spent some time talking.  He decided that he didn't want to be with her after all because he wanted someone without kids since his last 2 relationships included children and he wanted to start fresh.  He still wanted to be friends with her but her heart was already broken.  After she left his room she thought long and hard and decided not to keep in contact with him any longer and told him.  He didn't seem to care at all which broke her heart even more.  She first heard this song which opened her eyes and made her remember the other guys in her life that she was glad were the best things she never had.

She hopes  to one day find the best thing she ever has but all she can do is be patient.

Wordless Wednesday

This is how you cut calories..

My vlogs about my crappy car

Enjoy!

Happy 30th to MTV(I WANT YOU BACK!)

You once were good but now you went to total crap..what is wrong with you?  You were created when I was a year old so I got to enjoy actual videos.  Its a shame that the generation now has to put up with crap such as Jersey Shore and Teen Mom. 

I'm ashamed of you, you who once was a product of the greatest generation(the 80s)

To this horrid crap:

I'm ashamed of you MTV and ashamed that you have subjected yourself to this. 

Today I cried

An FYI I deactivated my facebook, I did not delete it, I needed to be without it for awhile I will return later.

Not because I've been divorced for two weeks now but because I need some soul searching.  I was tired of venting on Facebook mainly because everyone was telling me to get over it and quit looking for pity...since when does having a bad day and wanting to post it on your OWN profile equal to wanting pity?  Sometimes things I say are a cry out for help not pity but I'm too stubborn to ask for it.  I been drowning myself in not very healthy things these past few months..well since I was separated from my now ex and since we are divorced I can speak of some now.

Food...(ok, that is not one of the secrets)
Alcohol and soldiers do not mix(yes, thats the secret I had, you figure it out)

Starving myself some days, gorging the next

Should I go on?  Yeah, didn't think so. 

So before you all go on about how I'm looking for pity you all can kiss off because I'm trying to deal with everything the best way I can and I'm now seeing that I really had no support, I been doing this all and dealing with everything MYSELF so thanks for nothing.  Thanks for a few that thought that going back to my ex was better for me because you didn't want me around, thanks for thinking that the only reason why I left my ex was so I could go have fun with other men.

Thanks to a few family members who thought talking down to me was better than being there for me.  No ONE really has no idea what I'm thinking or feeling you all assume stupid things just so that way you can make me feel bad but ya know what?  Noone can make me feel bad without my permission and now you don't have my permission any longer because I'm going to make it, I will make it because the longer you degrade me, the stronger I will get.

Don't worry about me, I will get through it without you.

Trying to tune back into my ~ing

For awhile now I felt like I was worthless, stuck in a dead-end job(still do), never be able to find my true love, never be able to be the best mom, friend, ect. But I'm back in school, taking care of the babes, being there for my friends who need me, and I don't expect anything back in return.  My ego had been winning for so long that I was literally dirt under its negative feet.  I realized that once I started standing up for myself at work and in general that I am stronger than I thought I was.  I don't feel like that little girl that cried instead of saying "hey, knock it off!" I am one to tell people how I feel now, if you don't like me too bad, you either hate me or you love me, there is no gray area with me.  I can be the best friend you ever had or your worst enemy, its your choice but I am devoted to my friends no matter what and the ones that have known me for years can attest to that.

Gabby has literally changed my life and I love her for that.

Why I support the troops

Because of people like her...

No, I'm not going to get pissed or angry like a lot of people would I will say this though

I PITY HER!

Why?

Because obviously she never loved or been loved by a United States military man and thats a damn shame.  I pity her because she never once been to a deployment ceremony and seen the tear stained eyes of children and spouses saying goodbye to their soldier hoping that they will come home in one piece.

Its a shame that our troops have to defend people like this
Its a shame that her elementary mentality and ignorance led her to make others dislike her even more.
Its a shame that her friends who joined the military have to deal with her ignorant and prejudice(and stereotypical) remarks.

People like her forget September 11, 2001.

She goes on about how our troops kill innocent people...umm..if she would stop watching the liberal media she would know that these "innocent" people hide bombs under their clothing.  A lot of these children who she thinks are "innocent" shun our soldiers and hide all kinds of weapons under their clothing to kill them.  Not all Muslims are peaceful people and if she got out the Koran she'd know that.  I'd go on and on but it would turn into a political and religious debate.

People like her should be pitied because they have NO idea what they are talking about.

I don't support our administration but I support our troops 110% and if you don't stand behind them you can gladly stand in front. Thankyouverymuch.

Music Monday~Sarah McLachlan-Arms of the angels

 

This song deemed appropriate for today.  I learned that a friend of mine passed.  We weren't close but we met in Ft. Campbell, KY then, as us army family does, moves and goes our seperate ways.  Thank God for sites like Facebook so we can keep in touch.  My life had been such a crazy ruckus that I didn't even realize she was sick and in the hospital.  I logged on today and saw that a mutual friend of ours posted something on her wall and I was confused.  I went to her page and there were numerous comments about her passing.  It saddens me because I never stopped my own crazy life to see how my friends were doing.  It made me realize that I need to do so.

I also learned today that a co-worker's 5 year old daughter has brain cancer and has been given 3 months to live.  That hits hard to any mom who has a child, it hit me very hard.  It has been an emotional day so I decided to post this song for this day.

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it~Ferris Bueller 

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.  
 

Late night pondering..

I always think a lot at night especially now since I've been alone for almost a year now..well technically my whole life.  I think I am probably destined to be alone, my relationships with guys have always been shit and the guy that I was married to for 10 years, who I thought I trusted, let me down time and time again.  The time he decided to change for "the better" was when I put my foot down and told him I was done with him.  I don't trust guys, I don't know if I ever could actually.  The one that I was seeing off and on just wanted someone to fix his loneliness issues, he still has a profile on Plenty of Fish(where I met him).  What is wrong with me?  I just don't get it.  I don't know if I ever will.

I am so happy for my friends who are in relationships, I understand that they have issues behind closed doors, every couple does, but the fact of the matter is that they "seem" happy.  I never really seemed happy at all.  When I was married I always fantasized what it would be like to really be "in love" and never really felt it.  I want to feel in love and not pretend like I am.  I want to have a guy who I can rely on to be there for me emotionally and I want to be there for him, I want to have serious conversations with and just chill on the couch.  I feel like I just settled and now I'm 31 and I feel like I'm too late now. 

I am now achieving my goals, goals that I should have achieved years ago but I know that the choices I made changed them.  We all make choices in our lives and I love my two babies, the best things I ever got out of this failed marriage and they keep me alive and their happiness keeps me going.  I'm also going back to school because I know that I need to have a better job and a better life for me and my kids.  I am trying my best to be the best that I can be and if I have to be alone for awhile so be it, I will have my lonely days but blogging and talking about it will help me deal with it. 

I keep myself in a bubble and really don't talk to anyone except when I'm at work and occasionally hang out with co-workers outside of work.  I want to do more but I'm just so busy I feel I don't have time to socialize which also means that I know I shouldn't have a relationship either.

I wish I had better relationships with everyone around me but I have been trying to work on myself to improve it, I get angry quickly and frustrated fast.  I just wish that I could feel better about myself emotionally and physically but I know that talking to someone will help that also(and my self-help books).

MM~Toby Keith-American Soldier

This song not only works for today but it also affects me on a personal level.  All the men in my family have been in each branch of the military. My dad just retired a couple years ago from the army.  I was also an army wife for 10 years.  The military is all I know.  This song touches me on such a deep level I can never keep my eyes dry through it.  If you ever loved a soldier you know exactly what I mean

Blogspot Blogs and Self-hosted Wordpress blog that allows Javascript

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.

PS: Because of spamming purposes, the linky will be closed on Thursday of each week at midnight, Malaysian Time. Thank you!

Day 11~Something you hate

Clowns...they scare the bejezzus out of me!

Tales from a worn out McDonalds employee

Seriously, how can a McDonalds employee be so stressed you ask?  Maybe because I'm employed by someone that scares the bejezus out of me and oh yeah, a retarded clown. 

I love my GM, I say that because I can't afford to get fired but my damn she is like the devil in a managers outfit..the devil wears a blue McDonalds shirt and black pants I kid you not.  I have never been so flabbergasted in all my jobs and I've been working since I was 15..

Thats 16 years y'all...

But on a side note to let y'all know a few things about some products that I get complaints from...

The new strawberry lemonade is sour...lemonade is SOUR its made from lemons and if you ever had a lemon in your life you'll know this.  If you are a big baby ask for more strawberry syrup so you can stir the sweetness into it so your sensitive palate can take it ya wuss.  On a side note, its super yummy!

We also have oatmeal that us employees have to MIX OURSELVES.  It will be soupy at first because its instant oatmeal.  If you ever had instant oatmeal you'll realize that the water and cream have to soak into the oats.  I swear if I get another customer complaining about oatmeal being soupy I will scream.  Guess what happened while you were bitching about the oatmeal?  It became THICK...oh my God..really?

So before you decide to bitch about little things you should realize that us employees have to deal with you people every day.  The same people that bitch about things are the same people that still come in and still order things so this job should not be that stressful.  Its McDonalds, its been around forever and it will never go away so chill the fuck out already.

Seriously, if this doesn't scare you I don't know what does...

Day 10~Person you do the most messed up things with

OMG I haven't been bad like that in a long time but there are more people I have done messed up things with *ahem* Tara, Michelle, and Ashley

We won't go thereeee

I miss my biatches like crazy!

Music Monday...Colbie Calliat~Realize

 Do you ever meet someone and something just fucking hits you like a fist punch?  Yeah...well, I have my own story behind this song and it started back in March.  I may discuss more about this if things go the way I want them to but until then enjoy this song, it makes you realize!

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.  

PS: Because of spamming purposes, the linky will be closed on Thursday of each week at midnight, Malaysian Time. Thank you!

Mama Kat's Writing workshop

I haven't done one of these in forever and since the prompts sound like something I'd do I decided to do one. 

The prompts are:
1.) A memorable high school job.
2.) That time you ran away from home.
3.) A boy you had a crush on…where is he now?
4.) Ode to your mother…write about a special memory you have of your mom in honor of Mother’s Day.
5.) 10 reasons why you could not be a real housewife from any county.

Hmm...which to choose..I had a few crushes in high school so scratch that because well they all sucked(sorry Blake R.I.P. but you were an ASS to me) I never ran away from home, I have a lot of memories of my mom, 10 reasons why I could not be a real housewife is because I'm not one anymore..so...

A memorable high school job it is!

So I was a Senior in high school and worked with my cousin and BFF at this place called Cheesecloth and Buttermilk...the place didn't last long, mainly because not many new places last long in Paxton, IL.  It was a great job til the boss became a total B-I-T-C-H.  When I "lost" my job I was never told, my grandma told me who I was living with at the time.  I had gotten into a huge fight with my cousin because I was dating the guy she really liked who only dated me because I think my friend Mandie begged him and he probably felt sorry for little pudgy me...Jeremiah Stanley YOU SUCK ASS I was so stupid and did the most stupidest things but I'm all grown now and he still sucks!

But that was a memorable high school job and I have old pics but they are in storage for the time being so once I get my stuff I will have to upload them!

Day 9~Someone who has gotten me through the most

This one is a bit hard because there has been more than one person who has gotten me through the most especially this past year.

Jill, my sister, my mom, and my aunt

Day 8~A picture that makes you laugh

This is the many faces of my babies.  When I first saw the single pic of Braden laughing and Lila in front crying we all busted out laughing, it was the funniest thing!  These kids never fail to make me laugh, cry, and get frustrated all at the same time.  They are my life.

Day 7~Picture of your most treasured item

These are pearl earrings my dad gave me on my wedding day.  Though my marriage is over I still cherish these earrings because my dad gave them to me and when my daughter gets married she will wear them also.  There was once I thought I lost these earrings and I cried and then found them hidden behind the drawer in my jewelry box and now I keep them in this black bag and in the drawer of my tall jewelry stand.

Day 6~Someone you'd love to trade places with for a day

Oh how I'd love to be wooed by Prince William and admired by others for a day...

Day 5~Picture of my favorite memory

Hanging out with my cousins, they were a big part of my life growing up.  Jill was born when I was 8 so she came into the picture much later.

Jill Anne...she isn't a baby anymore though we still consider her to be one.  My aunt had her later in life so we all still consider her to be our baby.

Day 4 photo challenge

Well, my nights before had been McDonalds but since I changed to dayshift I see this at night

 

Miss I don't wanna go to bed!

Day 3~picture of the cast of your favorite show(I'm so behind!)

I have a few favorite shows, but this one is hands down my favorite, I love posting quotes on facebook

Day 2-person you've been the closest with the longest

My sister Amanda.  We have had our ups and downs and she lived with me when my then husband was in Iraq.  She will always be my bestie

Day One~A picture of yourself with 15 facts

 1) I'm a social bug and I rarely like being without people around me
2) Napoleon Dynamite is my favorite guilty pleasure movie
3) I'm addicted to frontierville
4) Soldiers still make me nervous and giddy like a schoolgirl
5) I am sensitive to other peoples feelings
6) I am learning not to be so trusting
7) I love to-do lists
8) I love cooking and baking for others
9) I take pride in what I do
10) My favorite thing to do on my days off is sight seeing but sometimes
11) I love lounging on the couch and watching movies
12) popcorn and chocolate covered peanuts and raisins is the best mixture ever.
13) I love being a fag hag, gay men are the best creatures on the face of the planet...hands down
14) I love coloring with my daughter, she is going to be an artist someday!
15) My kids are my best creations.

I was awarded!

My first award on my new blog(I have a few from my old blog also)

I was awarded this by a friend of mine named Beka, thanks hun!


To have the honor of receiving the Stylish blog award you must always pay it forward to other bloggers who are fairly new to blogging or to bring more fans to those you enjoy following. 
With this award you are to share 8 things about yourself.  Then pass the award to 8 others.

8 things about myself:

1) I'm random and say the most outrageous things
2) I'm a social bug and love being around people
3) I get bored easily but...
4) I'm easily amused
5) I laugh and smile a lot even if I'm hiding the fact that I'm sad or scared
6) I still get nervous, giddy, and a schoolgirl when I'm near a guy in ACU's(or any other military uniform actually!)
7) my kids are my most prized possessions, they make me who I am today
8) I love to cook and bake, its therapeutic to me

8 people I have chosen

1) Ashley~Ashley Amazing
2) Mama Kat
3) Open the door
4) Kendra
5) Confessions of a stay at home mom
6) SITS girls
7) The Meyer Household
8) Born this way

Valentines day~what a lame excuse for a holiday

I think I've always dispised this holiday.  When I was married my then husband did the cliche thing...flowers and chocolate

*yawn*

I think if I actually found a guy who can show me that Valentines is actually a "romantic" holiday then he may change my mind

ugh..relationships

This is my post about letting go not to bash my ex but to just let everything out, my feelings, my hurt, everything that led up to divorce.

So I was an army wife for 9 years and its had its ups and downs...more downs than I can admit.  I met my husband at a sports club in Ft. Stewart, GA.  I was the army brat who really never had a real boyfriend, one that liked me for who I was, I was the nerdy girl who just hung out with her friends.  When I met Tom he was shy, never really spoke much and took forever to answer a simple question.

Should have known already it was going to go downhill from there.

He was my one time fling that never stopped calling.  my sister pretty much told himWe were going to start "dating". 

You know how the typical thing goes, the guy takes the girl out, woos her, sends her flowers, writes her poems...yeah well this was our "dating" regime:

I pick where we go.  I pay.  He is depressed because his unit was stressing him out...I send him a bear and flowers to cheer him up.  Holidays, birthdays, ect I give gifts and cards...my birthday.......yeah....(after we got married I got an occasional card and some letters when he was deployed and some gifts here and there so he wasn't all that bad so I'm not bashing him too much!)

Have I realized now this was going downhill?  Nope.

3 months into our relationship he decides he wants to marry me.  I'm like, "I'm totally in fatuationlove with this guy, he gives me attention and buys me a tiny diamond, he must really love me!"

1 1/2 years later we get married in Germany and we are still fighting over things(sorry left out the fighting part at the beginning because I will keep saying it over and over throughout this story I'm sure).  We become in debt, broke, and fighting.

After the first deployment(where he made us broke even more)we decide to have kids.  I love my babies, I love them more than anything and I hate the fact that we chose to bring them into this crazy marriage but they have been my strength and the reason I love my life.

I admit I made mistakes in this marriage, I didn't think, I didn't make him open up and talk to me, I didn't do a lot of things a "normal" wife should have done but I worked very hard on it, I worked on it so hard that I couldn't do it anymore and I chose to change myself instead of trying to change on a marriage that was doomed from the very start.  I lost almost 60 lbs, I started doing things for myself for a change.  I changed my outlook on people, I started becoming happy and getting rid of things that were negative in my life.  I had a long talk with my sister in the summer of 2010 and thats when I finally opened up and realized I loved my husband once but I don't love him anymore and thats when she told me I needed to tell him.

So I did.

He then decided to change himself but I was already gone so to speak.  He then gave up.  No trying, nothing, just gave up.  We decided it was time to move on.

about a month ago I was looking more into helping myself, to love myself and others more.  I found this book and it really changed my whole outlook.

 

You can also check out her website here

I could not wait to get to Chapter 5~Releasing:romantic illusions.  It not only helped me but it also made me look more into my relationship with my ex.  The ego is to blame for most of our relationships.  When I was growing up I wanted a boyfriend and was so jealous of my friends who did.  As I grew up more I saw that women were not happy if they didn't have a man and after I got married to a soldier I met more and more women like that.  There is a passage that I think that not only myself but a lot of wives should open our eyes and go "what the hell am I thinking?"

When you idolize a romantic partner, you turn them into your only source of happiness

 Wow.  If only us women would realize that this is what some of us have become.  After reading this chapter I decided to make my children, my family, and the things I enjoy my source of happiness because they are the ones who make us who we are today. 

I know I left out a lot of things from 1999-present but it would take up a lot of my readers time and frankly I don't think its right bashing him 99 percent of the time so I decided that Cliff notes would subdue.  I hope that one day I will find a man who is right for me and who will treat me great and that I would be hopelessly in love with but until that day comes I will live my life, take care of my kids, and be the best mom, friend, daughter, sister, niece, ect I can be.

Much love,

Crista

Music Monday(I realize I'm a day late!)

I've been so busy trying to catch up on everything which is why I'm doing my Music Monday blog today.  This song is a favorite of my two children thanks to my mom who introduced them to the Monkees.  Unless you were born 70's or 80's you may have never heard of them, but then again even if you were your mom could still be a Davy Jones fanatic!haha

Mama Kat writer workshop

So since I will be "back on the market" so to speak once my divorce is final one of the prompts Mama Kat had was 50 things you look for in a man.  My ex-husband maybe had a few on the list(I know, no man is perfect)...well, here goes nothing(I may not be able to find 50 but I'll get close!)

1. Hygiene(I'm not going to go into how much time I had to spend on my ex-husband to achieve this and since this blog is public I'm just going to stop there)
2. Great communicator.  Can we please have a conversation where I'm not spending the next half hour waiting for you to actually talk to me.  I'm sure the video games can wait.
3. Nice teeth.  Do guys actually have these?  I haven't found many around here.
4. scruffy country boy look...without the added dip thanks! (that is so gross!) think...Adam Richman, Seth Rogen, and Larry the Cable Guy all rolled into one...yes, I love big guys who love to eat, cook, and have a sarcastic sense of humor!
5. This one is not necessary but would be nice...military man...I love me a military man its just how I am, I can't explain it but something about a guy in uniform gets to me.  
6. Romantic.  Surprise me with something that would be unexpected.  I love that shit.
7. Social. Please have friends, guy friends that you go spend time with, I need my space too!
8. Respectful. If you are cocky, arrogant, and think its cool to make fun of others you need to go somewhere else because I won't tolerate it...theres a difference between pointing out the fact that a 300 lb woman is wearing hot pants and a tube top and a decent looking 300 lb woman walking around minding her own business.  Which one will I laugh at?
9. Honest. If you think the girl in the restaurant is hot say so and I may or may not agree with you.  If you like playing mind games or if you are real say so.  I hate mind games so I doubt we'd get along anyway.
10. You must have a high sex drive.  Yes, there are guys who don't have this I'm not going to name any names.

Ok, I named 10 for right now but c'mon I can't sit here and think of 50 unless I'm going about my day and thinking "Oh damn, I need to add that!" then I'll write it down and add it later. 

Ugh what is wrong with you?

I am in this "I really want a man" phase and I'm trying to shake myself out of it.  I don't want to just pick some guy like I did before because I was lonely and thought I needed someone.  I want to just live my life and take care of the kids and just work on myself but it feels like I have this void I need to fill and its killing me.  I secretly envy the happy couples when I'm at work and I hate it, I hate feeling like I need someone when I really don't right now.  I talked to a friend about it and she says that its because I was with my husband for 11 years(married for 9) and I was used to having someone even though it wasn't a positive relationship.  I just need to be shaken and told that my kids make me happy and one day a guy that I deserve and deserves me will eventually come into my life and show me that there are good guys left in the world..until then I will have to deal with the creepers, the overobsessed, and the ones that I need to leave in the dust. 

In the words of my loving cousin Joe(who responded to an old FB status of mine)

So what you just got to do is just get you a bunch of these hood rats run through them, just knock them out. Boom, boom, boom. And once you've done slayed like all of them hood rats now you ready to go up to the upper echelon type ho.

You gotta love the crazy guy!

But anyway, I am feeling better because, well, I have lost weight and gained confidence...I do get hit on once in awhile especially at work




These are a size 13 which is a huge change from when I was a size 18-20!