Friday, June 10, 2011

Late night pondering..

I always think a lot at night especially now since I've been alone for almost a year now..well technically my whole life.  I think I am probably destined to be alone, my relationships with guys have always been shit and the guy that I was married to for 10 years, who I thought I trusted, let me down time and time again.  The time he decided to change for "the better" was when I put my foot down and told him I was done with him.  I don't trust guys, I don't know if I ever could actually.  The one that I was seeing off and on just wanted someone to fix his loneliness issues, he still has a profile on Plenty of Fish(where I met him).  What is wrong with me?  I just don't get it.  I don't know if I ever will.

I am so happy for my friends who are in relationships, I understand that they have issues behind closed doors, every couple does, but the fact of the matter is that they "seem" happy.  I never really seemed happy at all.  When I was married I always fantasized what it would be like to really be "in love" and never really felt it.  I want to feel in love and not pretend like I am.  I want to have a guy who I can rely on to be there for me emotionally and I want to be there for him, I want to have serious conversations with and just chill on the couch.  I feel like I just settled and now I'm 31 and I feel like I'm too late now. 

I am now achieving my goals, goals that I should have achieved years ago but I know that the choices I made changed them.  We all make choices in our lives and I love my two babies, the best things I ever got out of this failed marriage and they keep me alive and their happiness keeps me going.  I'm also going back to school because I know that I need to have a better job and a better life for me and my kids.  I am trying my best to be the best that I can be and if I have to be alone for awhile so be it, I will have my lonely days but blogging and talking about it will help me deal with it. 

I keep myself in a bubble and really don't talk to anyone except when I'm at work and occasionally hang out with co-workers outside of work.  I want to do more but I'm just so busy I feel I don't have time to socialize which also means that I know I shouldn't have a relationship either.

I wish I had better relationships with everyone around me but I have been trying to work on myself to improve it, I get angry quickly and frustrated fast.  I just wish that I could feel better about myself emotionally and physically but I know that talking to someone will help that also(and my self-help books).

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