I always think a lot at night especially now since I've been alone for almost a year now..well technically my whole life. I think I am probably destined to be alone, my relationships with guys have always been shit and the guy that I was married to for 10 years, who I thought I trusted, let me down time and time again. The time he decided to change for "the better" was when I put my foot down and told him I was done with him. I don't trust guys, I don't know if I ever could actually. The one that I was seeing off and on just wanted someone to fix his loneliness issues, he still has a profile on Plenty of Fish(where I met him). What is wrong with me? I just don't get it. I don't know if I ever will.
I am so happy for my friends who are in relationships, I understand that they have issues behind closed doors, every couple does, but the fact of the matter is that they "seem" happy. I never really seemed happy at all. When I was married I always fantasized what it would be like to really be "in love" and never really felt it. I want to feel in love and not pretend like I am. I want to have a guy who I can rely on to be there for me emotionally and I want to be there for him, I want to have serious conversations with and just chill on the couch. I feel like I just settled and now I'm 31 and I feel like I'm too late now.
I am now achieving my goals, goals that I should have achieved years ago but I know that the choices I made changed them. We all make choices in our lives and I love my two babies, the best things I ever got out of this failed marriage and they keep me alive and their happiness keeps me going. I'm also going back to school because I know that I need to have a better job and a better life for me and my kids. I am trying my best to be the best that I can be and if I have to be alone for awhile so be it, I will have my lonely days but blogging and talking about it will help me deal with it.
I keep myself in a bubble and really don't talk to anyone except when I'm at work and occasionally hang out with co-workers outside of work. I want to do more but I'm just so busy I feel I don't have time to socialize which also means that I know I shouldn't have a relationship either.