ugh..relationships

This is my post about letting go not to bash my ex but to just let everything out, my feelings, my hurt, everything that led up to divorce.

So I was an army wife for 9 years and its had its ups and downs...more downs than I can admit.  I met my husband at a sports club in Ft. Stewart, GA.  I was the army brat who really never had a real boyfriend, one that liked me for who I was, I was the nerdy girl who just hung out with her friends.  When I met Tom he was shy, never really spoke much and took forever to answer a simple question.

Should have known already it was going to go downhill from there.

He was my one time fling that never stopped calling.  my sister pretty much told himWe were going to start "dating". 

You know how the typical thing goes, the guy takes the girl out, woos her, sends her flowers, writes her poems...yeah well this was our "dating" regime:

I pick where we go.  I pay.  He is depressed because his unit was stressing him out...I send him a bear and flowers to cheer him up.  Holidays, birthdays, ect I give gifts and cards...my birthday.......yeah....(after we got married I got an occasional card and some letters when he was deployed and some gifts here and there so he wasn't all that bad so I'm not bashing him too much!)

Have I realized now this was going downhill?  Nope.

3 months into our relationship he decides he wants to marry me.  I'm like, "I'm totally in fatuationlove with this guy, he gives me attention and buys me a tiny diamond, he must really love me!"

1 1/2 years later we get married in Germany and we are still fighting over things(sorry left out the fighting part at the beginning because I will keep saying it over and over throughout this story I'm sure).  We become in debt, broke, and fighting.

After the first deployment(where he made us broke even more)we decide to have kids.  I love my babies, I love them more than anything and I hate the fact that we chose to bring them into this crazy marriage but they have been my strength and the reason I love my life.

I admit I made mistakes in this marriage, I didn't think, I didn't make him open up and talk to me, I didn't do a lot of things a "normal" wife should have done but I worked very hard on it, I worked on it so hard that I couldn't do it anymore and I chose to change myself instead of trying to change on a marriage that was doomed from the very start.  I lost almost 60 lbs, I started doing things for myself for a change.  I changed my outlook on people, I started becoming happy and getting rid of things that were negative in my life.  I had a long talk with my sister in the summer of 2010 and thats when I finally opened up and realized I loved my husband once but I don't love him anymore and thats when she told me I needed to tell him.

So I did.

He then decided to change himself but I was already gone so to speak.  He then gave up.  No trying, nothing, just gave up.  We decided it was time to move on.

about a month ago I was looking more into helping myself, to love myself and others more.  I found this book and it really changed my whole outlook.

 

You can also check out her website here

I could not wait to get to Chapter 5~Releasing:romantic illusions.  It not only helped me but it also made me look more into my relationship with my ex.  The ego is to blame for most of our relationships.  When I was growing up I wanted a boyfriend and was so jealous of my friends who did.  As I grew up more I saw that women were not happy if they didn't have a man and after I got married to a soldier I met more and more women like that.  There is a passage that I think that not only myself but a lot of wives should open our eyes and go "what the hell am I thinking?"

When you idolize a romantic partner, you turn them into your only source of happiness

 Wow.  If only us women would realize that this is what some of us have become.  After reading this chapter I decided to make my children, my family, and the things I enjoy my source of happiness because they are the ones who make us who we are today. 

I know I left out a lot of things from 1999-present but it would take up a lot of my readers time and frankly I don't think its right bashing him 99 percent of the time so I decided that Cliff notes would subdue.  I hope that one day I will find a man who is right for me and who will treat me great and that I would be hopelessly in love with but until that day comes I will live my life, take care of my kids, and be the best mom, friend, daughter, sister, niece, ect I can be.

Much love,

Crista