Still the fat girl...

I don't get it, I really don't.  I'm here in my closet cleaning it out and found a bag...a bag of my old jeans sizes vary from 18 to(yikes)20!  I'm standing here crying.

Why?

Because guys STILL see me as a friend.  I WORKED my ass off but still I am deemed "friends" status only among other things.  What am I doing wrong?  I have been nice and happy towards everyone.  I know, I know, I don't need a man in my life but I still want to be the girl thats seemed "wanted" instead of "Oh you are just a good friend". 

I decided that I'll probably go back on HCG and lose the rest of the weight and when guys that looked at me as a friend now want me its too.damn.bad.

I'm done with this, I'm done being the fat girl, I thought I wasn't the fat girl anymore but I still am, and will continue to be til I am 130 lbs and I will do ANYTHING to get there.

I have realized lately that most guys don't want fat girls and I want to shove my eventually skinny self in their faces and tell them to kiss off.

Its been 10 years..

I remember that day.  I was scared as hell in the stirrups when the doctor was doing a colposcopy on me.  I later figured out I was misdiagnosed with HPV so afterwards I was sore and ready to just go home and go to bed.  I came out of the room and my mom was in the waiting room watching the news.  We were living in Germany at the time so when it happened at 9 a.m. it was around 2 p.m. I think.  She said that a plane hit a building but we weren't sure what was going on.  We were going home and a friend had called and said a plane hit another building and then we were sure that something was wrong.  We went home and watched the news and saw exactly what was going on.  From then on out everything changed.

If you lived overseas during this time it was not only scary but everyone was on edge and for good reason.  We were shut down, cars were checked, everything had to be.  When you thought living in America was safe, you were wrong, unfortunately nowhere is safe.

We always should remember and never forget.

30 day blog challenge~Day three

Day 3-Whats in your purse?

Whats NOT in my purse?

I have a 4 year old daughter and 6 year old son I have to be prepared for ANYTHING!

I have(by memory because my bag(or what my friend Bri calls "diaper bag") is upstairs:

Wallet with many cards
a pencil case that holds pens, gum, chapstick, knick knacks
a little bag that holds a contact case and a mini bottle of solution(my eyes are always drying out)
a folder that I keep when I need to go to an appointment or need paperwork for anything
a beauty case that I keep if I stay over at a friends house
pullups/panties for Lila
stickers/toys
liquid drink mix I put in water
craisins(trying to eat healthier!)

I probably left out a few others but this is what I remember having in it

30 day blog challenge~Day two

ugh such a procrastinator but I'm going to keep on this!

Meaning behind your blog name

I chose this name after my ex and I split up.  I wanted to write about my journeys as an army wife, good and bad and reflect on them.  I'm currently working on an entirely new blog which I plan on moving everything to when I get more time to do it!

30 day blog challenge~Day one

I decided after checking out an awesome blogger Life Beyond the White Picket Fence that I would do the 30 day blog challenge.  I still have been procrastinating on my 30 day picture challenge which has been irritating me because most of my pictures are in storage and I'm NOT about to even go there this will have to do for now.

So, here we go

Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts

My name is Crista and I been through alot this past year but I've managed to work, go to school, and take care of 2 kids without completely losing my mind.  Blogging has been my therapy and having positive friends have helped also.

1. I am a recently divorced wife of two kids
2. I have lost over 60 lbs and still working on 30 more

3.  I love meeting new people, my happiness scale is through the roof when I am able to be around people and socialize with others

4. I think gay men are the best people in the world and I wish that I could have a pocket sized one

5. I have learned to be a better accessorizer.  Since losing weight I try and look my best.

6. My cat seriously has issues but we totally get each other

7. My daughter is my diva and she has got me to love and appreciate the color pink

8. My son has taught me that there are good guys in the world and I'm fairly certain he will make one fantastic husband to a lucky lady

9. I have recently learned that being in a bubble will only make your depression worse

10. I have to always be doing something, I get bored very easily

11. I wish one day that I find a guy that gets me and is my soulmate and that I'm truly in love with him

12. I am a proud Christian and when I feel that I'm off the path I tend to talk to my Godmother for advice and I also watch Joyce Meyer

13. My favorite guilty pleasure movie is Napoleon Dynamite. I like to watch it when I'm sad or feeling off that day

14. Though sometimes I can be a bit scattered I am a fairly good organizer and I'm also a list maker.  I will write things down but sometimes forget..I blame it on mommy brain!

15. When people try and push me down emotionally I have learned to get back up and fight because I know that I'm a good person and a good mom.  I'm not perfect but no one is!

We all want happiness

I have had an enlightenment.  I wanted to go to church today and looked up when the church I go to for PWOC had services and it said 11 a.m. so I got up got ready and left.  I went into the church and noticed I was the only white person there and got looks like "girl, you are so out of place" so I took my cell phone and pretended I had a call and left.  I realized it was the right church, wrong service.

When I got home I discussed the situation with friends on facebook and got encouragement that I should have just stayed and it got me to think that just because you feel out of place it doesn't matter, just stay and see how it goes.  I guess maybe I should have just swallowed the doubts and just do it.

I am now listening to Joyce Meyer as my inspiration and my Sunday service for the day, she totally makes me happy and lifts my heart to God.


* I realize that not everyone are Christians and I am open to all religions, I used to be Wiccan but I decided that Christianity was a better path for me.  I'm not telling anyone to be a Christian if they choose not to, it is YOUR path that YOU choose! :)

Some days I am happy and some days I just want to be sad and left alone.  Sometimes I feel empty and worthless and I try to not feel that way but we are all human beings and we all have emotions.  People who say they can never be happy are denying themselves and they are not accepting to the fact that they can be happy if they just open their eyes and see that there are people who love them and care for them if they just accept it.  I have met some people who just don't care about anything and I would try and be there for them but they just won't accept it or won't care to accept it, theres nothing else you can do about it.  I have been trying to surround myself with happy positive people because life is not worth living if you are just going to sit on a black cloud and mope every damn day. 

We all need and we all want happiness we just have to find them and we can't find them if we sit and bitch about it in a secluded bubble with no human contact.

Mama Kat's writing workshop

I chose to write a short story about my favorite song.  This has been my favorite song lately because of the words behind it.

The story:

This girl met a guy around March.  They spent some time together, her trying to get over her marriage and they had a lot of fun together.  There were periods of not talking because she had work and kids and didn't have time.  There were times he'd message her and wonder why she didn't message her.  He seemed to want to spend time with her, his words never registered in her mind because she thought he was one of the typical guys who just wants what all guys want.  She started dating another guy which last about a week.  The weekend she was still with the other guy, he messaged her and she told him that she was dating someone else.  He told her that he was going to ask her out that night.  She was devastated.  She decided to meet him that night which turned into more than she thought.  He still didn't ask her to be his girlfriend which upset her even more.  This "relationship" went on and then about a month later out of the blue messaged her and told her he was getting kicked out of the army and moving to another town about an hour away but he still wanted to be friends.  She met up with him and spent some time talking.  He decided that he didn't want to be with her after all because he wanted someone without kids since his last 2 relationships included children and he wanted to start fresh.  He still wanted to be friends with her but her heart was already broken.  After she left his room she thought long and hard and decided not to keep in contact with him any longer and told him.  He didn't seem to care at all which broke her heart even more.  She first heard this song which opened her eyes and made her remember the other guys in her life that she was glad were the best things she never had.

She hopes  to one day find the best thing she ever has but all she can do is be patient.