Music Monday~Sarah McLachlan-Arms of the angels

 

This song deemed appropriate for today.  I learned that a friend of mine passed.  We weren't close but we met in Ft. Campbell, KY then, as us army family does, moves and goes our seperate ways.  Thank God for sites like Facebook so we can keep in touch.  My life had been such a crazy ruckus that I didn't even realize she was sick and in the hospital.  I logged on today and saw that a mutual friend of ours posted something on her wall and I was confused.  I went to her page and there were numerous comments about her passing.  It saddens me because I never stopped my own crazy life to see how my friends were doing.  It made me realize that I need to do so.

I also learned today that a co-worker's 5 year old daughter has brain cancer and has been given 3 months to live.  That hits hard to any mom who has a child, it hit me very hard.  It has been an emotional day so I decided to post this song for this day.

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it~Ferris Bueller 

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Late night pondering..

I always think a lot at night especially now since I've been alone for almost a year now..well technically my whole life.  I think I am probably destined to be alone, my relationships with guys have always been shit and the guy that I was married to for 10 years, who I thought I trusted, let me down time and time again.  The time he decided to change for "the better" was when I put my foot down and told him I was done with him.  I don't trust guys, I don't know if I ever could actually.  The one that I was seeing off and on just wanted someone to fix his loneliness issues, he still has a profile on Plenty of Fish(where I met him).  What is wrong with me?  I just don't get it.  I don't know if I ever will.

I am so happy for my friends who are in relationships, I understand that they have issues behind closed doors, every couple does, but the fact of the matter is that they "seem" happy.  I never really seemed happy at all.  When I was married I always fantasized what it would be like to really be "in love" and never really felt it.  I want to feel in love and not pretend like I am.  I want to have a guy who I can rely on to be there for me emotionally and I want to be there for him, I want to have serious conversations with and just chill on the couch.  I feel like I just settled and now I'm 31 and I feel like I'm too late now. 

I am now achieving my goals, goals that I should have achieved years ago but I know that the choices I made changed them.  We all make choices in our lives and I love my two babies, the best things I ever got out of this failed marriage and they keep me alive and their happiness keeps me going.  I'm also going back to school because I know that I need to have a better job and a better life for me and my kids.  I am trying my best to be the best that I can be and if I have to be alone for awhile so be it, I will have my lonely days but blogging and talking about it will help me deal with it. 

I keep myself in a bubble and really don't talk to anyone except when I'm at work and occasionally hang out with co-workers outside of work.  I want to do more but I'm just so busy I feel I don't have time to socialize which also means that I know I shouldn't have a relationship either.

I wish I had better relationships with everyone around me but I have been trying to work on myself to improve it, I get angry quickly and frustrated fast.  I just wish that I could feel better about myself emotionally and physically but I know that talking to someone will help that also(and my self-help books).