Still the fat girl...

I don't get it, I really don't.  I'm here in my closet cleaning it out and found a bag...a bag of my old jeans sizes vary from 18 to(yikes)20!  I'm standing here crying.

Why?

Because guys STILL see me as a friend.  I WORKED my ass off but still I am deemed "friends" status only among other things.  What am I doing wrong?  I have been nice and happy towards everyone.  I know, I know, I don't need a man in my life but I still want to be the girl thats seemed "wanted" instead of "Oh you are just a good friend". 

I decided that I'll probably go back on HCG and lose the rest of the weight and when guys that looked at me as a friend now want me its too.damn.bad.

I'm done with this, I'm done being the fat girl, I thought I wasn't the fat girl anymore but I still am, and will continue to be til I am 130 lbs and I will do ANYTHING to get there.

I have realized lately that most guys don't want fat girls and I want to shove my eventually skinny self in their faces and tell them to kiss off.

Its been 10 years..

I remember that day.  I was scared as hell in the stirrups when the doctor was doing a colposcopy on me.  I later figured out I was misdiagnosed with HPV so afterwards I was sore and ready to just go home and go to bed.  I came out of the room and my mom was in the waiting room watching the news.  We were living in Germany at the time so when it happened at 9 a.m. it was around 2 p.m. I think.  She said that a plane hit a building but we weren't sure what was going on.  We were going home and a friend had called and said a plane hit another building and then we were sure that something was wrong.  We went home and watched the news and saw exactly what was going on.  From then on out everything changed.

If you lived overseas during this time it was not only scary but everyone was on edge and for good reason.  We were shut down, cars were checked, everything had to be.  When you thought living in America was safe, you were wrong, unfortunately nowhere is safe.

We always should remember and never forget.

30 day blog challenge~Day three

Day 3-Whats in your purse?

Whats NOT in my purse?

I have a 4 year old daughter and 6 year old son I have to be prepared for ANYTHING!

I have(by memory because my bag(or what my friend Bri calls "diaper bag") is upstairs:

Wallet with many cards
a pencil case that holds pens, gum, chapstick, knick knacks
a little bag that holds a contact case and a mini bottle of solution(my eyes are always drying out)
a folder that I keep when I need to go to an appointment or need paperwork for anything
a beauty case that I keep if I stay over at a friends house
pullups/panties for Lila
stickers/toys
liquid drink mix I put in water
craisins(trying to eat healthier!)

I probably left out a few others but this is what I remember having in it

30 day blog challenge~Day two

ugh such a procrastinator but I'm going to keep on this!

Meaning behind your blog name

I chose this name after my ex and I split up.  I wanted to write about my journeys as an army wife, good and bad and reflect on them.  I'm currently working on an entirely new blog which I plan on moving everything to when I get more time to do it!

30 day blog challenge~Day one

I decided after checking out an awesome blogger Life Beyond the White Picket Fence that I would do the 30 day blog challenge.  I still have been procrastinating on my 30 day picture challenge which has been irritating me because most of my pictures are in storage and I'm NOT about to even go there this will have to do for now.

So, here we go

Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts

My name is Crista and I been through alot this past year but I've managed to work, go to school, and take care of 2 kids without completely losing my mind.  Blogging has been my therapy and having positive friends have helped also.

1. I am a recently divorced wife of two kids
2. I have lost over 60 lbs and still working on 30 more

3.  I love meeting new people, my happiness scale is through the roof when I am able to be around people and socialize with others

4. I think gay men are the best people in the world and I wish that I could have a pocket sized one

5. I have learned to be a better accessorizer.  Since losing weight I try and look my best.

6. My cat seriously has issues but we totally get each other

7. My daughter is my diva and she has got me to love and appreciate the color pink

8. My son has taught me that there are good guys in the world and I'm fairly certain he will make one fantastic husband to a lucky lady

9. I have recently learned that being in a bubble will only make your depression worse

10. I have to always be doing something, I get bored very easily

11. I wish one day that I find a guy that gets me and is my soulmate and that I'm truly in love with him

12. I am a proud Christian and when I feel that I'm off the path I tend to talk to my Godmother for advice and I also watch Joyce Meyer

13. My favorite guilty pleasure movie is Napoleon Dynamite. I like to watch it when I'm sad or feeling off that day

14. Though sometimes I can be a bit scattered I am a fairly good organizer and I'm also a list maker.  I will write things down but sometimes forget..I blame it on mommy brain!

15. When people try and push me down emotionally I have learned to get back up and fight because I know that I'm a good person and a good mom.  I'm not perfect but no one is!

We all want happiness

I have had an enlightenment.  I wanted to go to church today and looked up when the church I go to for PWOC had services and it said 11 a.m. so I got up got ready and left.  I went into the church and noticed I was the only white person there and got looks like "girl, you are so out of place" so I took my cell phone and pretended I had a call and left.  I realized it was the right church, wrong service.

When I got home I discussed the situation with friends on facebook and got encouragement that I should have just stayed and it got me to think that just because you feel out of place it doesn't matter, just stay and see how it goes.  I guess maybe I should have just swallowed the doubts and just do it.

I am now listening to Joyce Meyer as my inspiration and my Sunday service for the day, she totally makes me happy and lifts my heart to God.


* I realize that not everyone are Christians and I am open to all religions, I used to be Wiccan but I decided that Christianity was a better path for me.  I'm not telling anyone to be a Christian if they choose not to, it is YOUR path that YOU choose! :)

Some days I am happy and some days I just want to be sad and left alone.  Sometimes I feel empty and worthless and I try to not feel that way but we are all human beings and we all have emotions.  People who say they can never be happy are denying themselves and they are not accepting to the fact that they can be happy if they just open their eyes and see that there are people who love them and care for them if they just accept it.  I have met some people who just don't care about anything and I would try and be there for them but they just won't accept it or won't care to accept it, theres nothing else you can do about it.  I have been trying to surround myself with happy positive people because life is not worth living if you are just going to sit on a black cloud and mope every damn day. 

We all need and we all want happiness we just have to find them and we can't find them if we sit and bitch about it in a secluded bubble with no human contact.

Mama Kat's writing workshop

I chose to write a short story about my favorite song.  This has been my favorite song lately because of the words behind it.

The story:

This girl met a guy around March.  They spent some time together, her trying to get over her marriage and they had a lot of fun together.  There were periods of not talking because she had work and kids and didn't have time.  There were times he'd message her and wonder why she didn't message her.  He seemed to want to spend time with her, his words never registered in her mind because she thought he was one of the typical guys who just wants what all guys want.  She started dating another guy which last about a week.  The weekend she was still with the other guy, he messaged her and she told him that she was dating someone else.  He told her that he was going to ask her out that night.  She was devastated.  She decided to meet him that night which turned into more than she thought.  He still didn't ask her to be his girlfriend which upset her even more.  This "relationship" went on and then about a month later out of the blue messaged her and told her he was getting kicked out of the army and moving to another town about an hour away but he still wanted to be friends.  She met up with him and spent some time talking.  He decided that he didn't want to be with her after all because he wanted someone without kids since his last 2 relationships included children and he wanted to start fresh.  He still wanted to be friends with her but her heart was already broken.  After she left his room she thought long and hard and decided not to keep in contact with him any longer and told him.  He didn't seem to care at all which broke her heart even more.  She first heard this song which opened her eyes and made her remember the other guys in her life that she was glad were the best things she never had.

She hopes  to one day find the best thing she ever has but all she can do is be patient.

Wordless Wednesday

This is how you cut calories..

My vlogs about my crappy car

Enjoy!

Happy 30th to MTV(I WANT YOU BACK!)

You once were good but now you went to total crap..what is wrong with you?  You were created when I was a year old so I got to enjoy actual videos.  Its a shame that the generation now has to put up with crap such as Jersey Shore and Teen Mom. 

I'm ashamed of you, you who once was a product of the greatest generation(the 80s)

To this horrid crap:

I'm ashamed of you MTV and ashamed that you have subjected yourself to this. 

Today I cried

An FYI I deactivated my facebook, I did not delete it, I needed to be without it for awhile I will return later.

Not because I've been divorced for two weeks now but because I need some soul searching.  I was tired of venting on Facebook mainly because everyone was telling me to get over it and quit looking for pity...since when does having a bad day and wanting to post it on your OWN profile equal to wanting pity?  Sometimes things I say are a cry out for help not pity but I'm too stubborn to ask for it.  I been drowning myself in not very healthy things these past few months..well since I was separated from my now ex and since we are divorced I can speak of some now.

Food...(ok, that is not one of the secrets)
Alcohol and soldiers do not mix(yes, thats the secret I had, you figure it out)

Starving myself some days, gorging the next

Should I go on?  Yeah, didn't think so. 

So before you all go on about how I'm looking for pity you all can kiss off because I'm trying to deal with everything the best way I can and I'm now seeing that I really had no support, I been doing this all and dealing with everything MYSELF so thanks for nothing.  Thanks for a few that thought that going back to my ex was better for me because you didn't want me around, thanks for thinking that the only reason why I left my ex was so I could go have fun with other men.

Thanks to a few family members who thought talking down to me was better than being there for me.  No ONE really has no idea what I'm thinking or feeling you all assume stupid things just so that way you can make me feel bad but ya know what?  Noone can make me feel bad without my permission and now you don't have my permission any longer because I'm going to make it, I will make it because the longer you degrade me, the stronger I will get.

Don't worry about me, I will get through it without you.

Trying to tune back into my ~ing

For awhile now I felt like I was worthless, stuck in a dead-end job(still do), never be able to find my true love, never be able to be the best mom, friend, ect. But I'm back in school, taking care of the babes, being there for my friends who need me, and I don't expect anything back in return.  My ego had been winning for so long that I was literally dirt under its negative feet.  I realized that once I started standing up for myself at work and in general that I am stronger than I thought I was.  I don't feel like that little girl that cried instead of saying "hey, knock it off!" I am one to tell people how I feel now, if you don't like me too bad, you either hate me or you love me, there is no gray area with me.  I can be the best friend you ever had or your worst enemy, its your choice but I am devoted to my friends no matter what and the ones that have known me for years can attest to that.

Gabby has literally changed my life and I love her for that.

Why I support the troops

Because of people like her...

No, I'm not going to get pissed or angry like a lot of people would I will say this though

I PITY HER!

Why?

Because obviously she never loved or been loved by a United States military man and thats a damn shame.  I pity her because she never once been to a deployment ceremony and seen the tear stained eyes of children and spouses saying goodbye to their soldier hoping that they will come home in one piece.

Its a shame that our troops have to defend people like this
Its a shame that her elementary mentality and ignorance led her to make others dislike her even more.
Its a shame that her friends who joined the military have to deal with her ignorant and prejudice(and stereotypical) remarks.

People like her forget September 11, 2001.

She goes on about how our troops kill innocent people...umm..if she would stop watching the liberal media she would know that these "innocent" people hide bombs under their clothing.  A lot of these children who she thinks are "innocent" shun our soldiers and hide all kinds of weapons under their clothing to kill them.  Not all Muslims are peaceful people and if she got out the Koran she'd know that.  I'd go on and on but it would turn into a political and religious debate.

People like her should be pitied because they have NO idea what they are talking about.

I don't support our administration but I support our troops 110% and if you don't stand behind them you can gladly stand in front. Thankyouverymuch.

Music Monday~Sarah McLachlan-Arms of the angels

 

This song deemed appropriate for today.  I learned that a friend of mine passed.  We weren't close but we met in Ft. Campbell, KY then, as us army family does, moves and goes our seperate ways.  Thank God for sites like Facebook so we can keep in touch.  My life had been such a crazy ruckus that I didn't even realize she was sick and in the hospital.  I logged on today and saw that a mutual friend of ours posted something on her wall and I was confused.  I went to her page and there were numerous comments about her passing.  It saddens me because I never stopped my own crazy life to see how my friends were doing.  It made me realize that I need to do so.

I also learned today that a co-worker's 5 year old daughter has brain cancer and has been given 3 months to live.  That hits hard to any mom who has a child, it hit me very hard.  It has been an emotional day so I decided to post this song for this day.

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it~Ferris Bueller 

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.  
 

Late night pondering..

I always think a lot at night especially now since I've been alone for almost a year now..well technically my whole life.  I think I am probably destined to be alone, my relationships with guys have always been shit and the guy that I was married to for 10 years, who I thought I trusted, let me down time and time again.  The time he decided to change for "the better" was when I put my foot down and told him I was done with him.  I don't trust guys, I don't know if I ever could actually.  The one that I was seeing off and on just wanted someone to fix his loneliness issues, he still has a profile on Plenty of Fish(where I met him).  What is wrong with me?  I just don't get it.  I don't know if I ever will.

I am so happy for my friends who are in relationships, I understand that they have issues behind closed doors, every couple does, but the fact of the matter is that they "seem" happy.  I never really seemed happy at all.  When I was married I always fantasized what it would be like to really be "in love" and never really felt it.  I want to feel in love and not pretend like I am.  I want to have a guy who I can rely on to be there for me emotionally and I want to be there for him, I want to have serious conversations with and just chill on the couch.  I feel like I just settled and now I'm 31 and I feel like I'm too late now. 

I am now achieving my goals, goals that I should have achieved years ago but I know that the choices I made changed them.  We all make choices in our lives and I love my two babies, the best things I ever got out of this failed marriage and they keep me alive and their happiness keeps me going.  I'm also going back to school because I know that I need to have a better job and a better life for me and my kids.  I am trying my best to be the best that I can be and if I have to be alone for awhile so be it, I will have my lonely days but blogging and talking about it will help me deal with it. 

I keep myself in a bubble and really don't talk to anyone except when I'm at work and occasionally hang out with co-workers outside of work.  I want to do more but I'm just so busy I feel I don't have time to socialize which also means that I know I shouldn't have a relationship either.

I wish I had better relationships with everyone around me but I have been trying to work on myself to improve it, I get angry quickly and frustrated fast.  I just wish that I could feel better about myself emotionally and physically but I know that talking to someone will help that also(and my self-help books).

MM~Toby Keith-American Soldier

This song not only works for today but it also affects me on a personal level.  All the men in my family have been in each branch of the military. My dad just retired a couple years ago from the army.  I was also an army wife for 10 years.  The military is all I know.  This song touches me on such a deep level I can never keep my eyes dry through it.  If you ever loved a soldier you know exactly what I mean

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Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.

PS: Because of spamming purposes, the linky will be closed on Thursday of each week at midnight, Malaysian Time. Thank you!

Day 11~Something you hate

Clowns...they scare the bejezzus out of me!

Tales from a worn out McDonalds employee

Seriously, how can a McDonalds employee be so stressed you ask?  Maybe because I'm employed by someone that scares the bejezus out of me and oh yeah, a retarded clown. 

I love my GM, I say that because I can't afford to get fired but my damn she is like the devil in a managers outfit..the devil wears a blue McDonalds shirt and black pants I kid you not.  I have never been so flabbergasted in all my jobs and I've been working since I was 15..

Thats 16 years y'all...

But on a side note to let y'all know a few things about some products that I get complaints from...

The new strawberry lemonade is sour...lemonade is SOUR its made from lemons and if you ever had a lemon in your life you'll know this.  If you are a big baby ask for more strawberry syrup so you can stir the sweetness into it so your sensitive palate can take it ya wuss.  On a side note, its super yummy!

We also have oatmeal that us employees have to MIX OURSELVES.  It will be soupy at first because its instant oatmeal.  If you ever had instant oatmeal you'll realize that the water and cream have to soak into the oats.  I swear if I get another customer complaining about oatmeal being soupy I will scream.  Guess what happened while you were bitching about the oatmeal?  It became THICK...oh my God..really?

So before you decide to bitch about little things you should realize that us employees have to deal with you people every day.  The same people that bitch about things are the same people that still come in and still order things so this job should not be that stressful.  Its McDonalds, its been around forever and it will never go away so chill the fuck out already.

Seriously, if this doesn't scare you I don't know what does...

Day 10~Person you do the most messed up things with

OMG I haven't been bad like that in a long time but there are more people I have done messed up things with *ahem* Tara, Michelle, and Ashley

We won't go thereeee

I miss my biatches like crazy!

Music Monday...Colbie Calliat~Realize

 Do you ever meet someone and something just fucking hits you like a fist punch?  Yeah...well, I have my own story behind this song and it started back in March.  I may discuss more about this if things go the way I want them to but until then enjoy this song, it makes you realize!

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the ACTUAL LINK POST here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.  

PS: Because of spamming purposes, the linky will be closed on Thursday of each week at midnight, Malaysian Time. Thank you!