Today I cried

An FYI I deactivated my facebook, I did not delete it, I needed to be without it for awhile I will return later.

Not because I've been divorced for two weeks now but because I need some soul searching.  I was tired of venting on Facebook mainly because everyone was telling me to get over it and quit looking for pity...since when does having a bad day and wanting to post it on your OWN profile equal to wanting pity?  Sometimes things I say are a cry out for help not pity but I'm too stubborn to ask for it.  I been drowning myself in not very healthy things these past few months..well since I was separated from my now ex and since we are divorced I can speak of some now.

Food...(ok, that is not one of the secrets)
Alcohol and soldiers do not mix(yes, thats the secret I had, you figure it out)

Starving myself some days, gorging the next

Should I go on?  Yeah, didn't think so. 

So before you all go on about how I'm looking for pity you all can kiss off because I'm trying to deal with everything the best way I can and I'm now seeing that I really had no support, I been doing this all and dealing with everything MYSELF so thanks for nothing.  Thanks for a few that thought that going back to my ex was better for me because you didn't want me around, thanks for thinking that the only reason why I left my ex was so I could go have fun with other men.

Thanks to a few family members who thought talking down to me was better than being there for me.  No ONE really has no idea what I'm thinking or feeling you all assume stupid things just so that way you can make me feel bad but ya know what?  Noone can make me feel bad without my permission and now you don't have my permission any longer because I'm going to make it, I will make it because the longer you degrade me, the stronger I will get.

Don't worry about me, I will get through it without you.

ugh..relationships

This is my post about letting go not to bash my ex but to just let everything out, my feelings, my hurt, everything that led up to divorce.

So I was an army wife for 9 years and its had its ups and downs...more downs than I can admit.  I met my husband at a sports club in Ft. Stewart, GA.  I was the army brat who really never had a real boyfriend, one that liked me for who I was, I was the nerdy girl who just hung out with her friends.  When I met Tom he was shy, never really spoke much and took forever to answer a simple question.

Should have known already it was going to go downhill from there.

He was my one time fling that never stopped calling.  my sister pretty much told himWe were going to start "dating". 

You know how the typical thing goes, the guy takes the girl out, woos her, sends her flowers, writes her poems...yeah well this was our "dating" regime:

I pick where we go.  I pay.  He is depressed because his unit was stressing him out...I send him a bear and flowers to cheer him up.  Holidays, birthdays, ect I give gifts and cards...my birthday.......yeah....(after we got married I got an occasional card and some letters when he was deployed and some gifts here and there so he wasn't all that bad so I'm not bashing him too much!)

Have I realized now this was going downhill?  Nope.

3 months into our relationship he decides he wants to marry me.  I'm like, "I'm totally in fatuationlove with this guy, he gives me attention and buys me a tiny diamond, he must really love me!"

1 1/2 years later we get married in Germany and we are still fighting over things(sorry left out the fighting part at the beginning because I will keep saying it over and over throughout this story I'm sure).  We become in debt, broke, and fighting.

After the first deployment(where he made us broke even more)we decide to have kids.  I love my babies, I love them more than anything and I hate the fact that we chose to bring them into this crazy marriage but they have been my strength and the reason I love my life.

I admit I made mistakes in this marriage, I didn't think, I didn't make him open up and talk to me, I didn't do a lot of things a "normal" wife should have done but I worked very hard on it, I worked on it so hard that I couldn't do it anymore and I chose to change myself instead of trying to change on a marriage that was doomed from the very start.  I lost almost 60 lbs, I started doing things for myself for a change.  I changed my outlook on people, I started becoming happy and getting rid of things that were negative in my life.  I had a long talk with my sister in the summer of 2010 and thats when I finally opened up and realized I loved my husband once but I don't love him anymore and thats when she told me I needed to tell him.

So I did.

He then decided to change himself but I was already gone so to speak.  He then gave up.  No trying, nothing, just gave up.  We decided it was time to move on.

about a month ago I was looking more into helping myself, to love myself and others more.  I found this book and it really changed my whole outlook.

 

You can also check out her website here

I could not wait to get to Chapter 5~Releasing:romantic illusions.  It not only helped me but it also made me look more into my relationship with my ex.  The ego is to blame for most of our relationships.  When I was growing up I wanted a boyfriend and was so jealous of my friends who did.  As I grew up more I saw that women were not happy if they didn't have a man and after I got married to a soldier I met more and more women like that.  There is a passage that I think that not only myself but a lot of wives should open our eyes and go "what the hell am I thinking?"

When you idolize a romantic partner, you turn them into your only source of happiness

 Wow.  If only us women would realize that this is what some of us have become.  After reading this chapter I decided to make my children, my family, and the things I enjoy my source of happiness because they are the ones who make us who we are today. 

I know I left out a lot of things from 1999-present but it would take up a lot of my readers time and frankly I don't think its right bashing him 99 percent of the time so I decided that Cliff notes would subdue.  I hope that one day I will find a man who is right for me and who will treat me great and that I would be hopelessly in love with but until that day comes I will live my life, take care of my kids, and be the best mom, friend, daughter, sister, niece, ect I can be.

Much love,

Crista

To hooah or not to hooah

hooah (hoo ah) adj., adv., n., v., conj., interj., excla. [Orig. unknown] Slang. 1. Referring to or meaning anything and everything except "no". 2. What to say when at a loss for words. 3.a. Good copy. b. Roger. c. Solid copy. d. Good. e. Great. f. Message received. g. Understood. h. Acknowledged. 4.a. Glad to meet you. b. Welcome. 5. "All right!" 6.a. I don't know the answer, but I'll check on it. b. I haven't the foggiest idea. 7. I am not listening. 8. "That is enough of your drivel; sit down!" 9. Yes. 10. "You've got to be kidding me!" 11. Thank you. 12. Go to the next slide. 13. You've taken the correct action. 14. I don't know what that means, but I'm too embarassed to ask for clarification. 15. Squared away (He's pretty hooah.) 16. Amen!

Ugh, these are gross too...

Ok, why did I decide to label my post as this?  

I've been in the military world since I was about 8 years old.  I lived and breathed army life though I was never in the army.  I had to fold my dad's ugly brown shirts just right or he'd have a fit.  We ate MRE's just to get the candy and the goodies in them.  Before I met my ex husband I swore up and down I'd never marry a soldier....

When I met my ex I was 19 and was pretty crazy...I blamed the soldiers, the guys who have nothing but pure sex and getting drunk on their little perverted immature minds.  I never thought I'd marry this guy but at 19 you think you are "in love".  I was one of those girls who thought it was "cool" to be dating a soldier and being an army brat you already know what its like.  When I met him he told me he was going to be stationed to Germany in January, well hell, that was 5 months away so I'll just have fun and let him go on his merry way.  Then my grandma died a couple months later so off to Illinois...

We get back to Georgia and find out we are going to be stationed around the same area as him.  He decides he wants to be with me and we get engaged...what the hell was I thinking?!?  see above 


So 2 years later we get married in Germany and I am in this "I'm in love" mindset because as I said before I was young and dumb.  Time went by, marriage started getting rocky and I won't go into details because its long and a waste of time.


2 kids later I decide to call it quits for things that again, I don't want to get into.  Nothing to do with adultery or that I "couldn't handle it" just things out of my control.


Now 9 years later and a friend of mine goes "you'll never get with a civilian, you are too much in the soldier mindset".


So now I'm thinking..."you may or may not be right"  Which is where I got the title...


I'm not looking for another soldier or a civilian guy, my divorce isn't final yet though I'm having fun as a single girl as I should be but there are a lot of soldier eye candy here at the "Great Place" and yes people, I still get nervous and girlish when I'm around these ACU clad boys...just something that will never go away.


Til later...

What in the world do I do now?

Click here for my old blog

Divorce papers filed: check

Date of divorce: in process




So what does a daughter of a retired army SSG and a soon to be ex wife of a SGT do now?  Ok, starters I got a job because I have to do what I have to do to take care of the 2 kids.  Thankfully they still will get health benefits and anything else they already have from the army.

But if the army is all you know your transition from the military to civilian life will change dramatically...

How you ask?


Well for starters I have to think about healthcare and paying for it as well as paying rent and utilities when I move into my own place.

Thankfully though as an army wife it has made me independent and able to do things on my own without relying on someone else to do them.

This marriage was a long and winding road, more rocky than smooth and I think my choice to leave was for the best.  If you kept up with my old blog you'd see why.  I'm going to try and blog more often since I now have access to internet and plus not being able to blog like I used to was driving me crazy!