Trying to tune back into my ~ing

For awhile now I felt like I was worthless, stuck in a dead-end job(still do), never be able to find my true love, never be able to be the best mom, friend, ect. But I'm back in school, taking care of the babes, being there for my friends who need me, and I don't expect anything back in return.  My ego had been winning for so long that I was literally dirt under its negative feet.  I realized that once I started standing up for myself at work and in general that I am stronger than I thought I was.  I don't feel like that little girl that cried instead of saying "hey, knock it off!" I am one to tell people how I feel now, if you don't like me too bad, you either hate me or you love me, there is no gray area with me.  I can be the best friend you ever had or your worst enemy, its your choice but I am devoted to my friends no matter what and the ones that have known me for years can attest to that.

Gabby has literally changed my life and I love her for that.

The emotional Pisces

(I wrote this in a notebook last night around 12:30 a.m. so I'm re-editing what I wrote and probably adding)

Late nights make me think...way too much sometimes.  My life has been crazy this past year.  Its almost the end of 2010 and I feel like the only accomplishment was losing weight and getting rid of extra baggage(my ex-husband).  I feel like I still haven't done enough though.  I can be stubborn in the "I need help" department but I hate asking for it.  I realize there is nothing wrong with saying "Can you please be there for me?" but I feel like I am an inconvenience sometimes.

These past 10 years have made me think and learn.  I learned that having low self-esteem issues and lack of confidence have made me miss the important things in life.  I have screwed up friendships and relationships with others, befriended people that I should have never let in my life and got screwed in the long run.  I have put up walls lately and guys that want to date me I have pushed away and the ones that I want(ed) to date pushed me away.  I realize that looking for a new guy is not healthy for me right now and I need to take time out for myself and find myself even if that means letting the kids stay at my aunt and uncles for a week(end) I know they won't mind at all.  My aunt especially.  I have always made sure everyone else was happy before myself so being a bit selfish isn't bad at all once in awhile.  My body has also been a trainwreck and I haven't made the time to take care of it with all the junk food and greasy take out food from work its time to not only detox my mind but my body as well.

I want to share a song/video that I can never listen without tearing up.  Its called "I hope you dance" by LeAnn Womack.  It is a powerful message that everyone should take to heart...even yours truly.

I want this blog to not only be my venting place but my place to heal.  Some people may think I'm using this to get people to feel sorry for me but its certainly not true.  I want to reach out to people who felt like they weren't worth a damn; the ones, like myself, who was always the underdog.

The nerdy girl in school who never was asked to the prom or to go on dates.  The girl that stayed in her room listening to songs about heartbreak and love and dreaming about the day Prince Charming took her in his arms and told her she was so beautiful.  I know its delusional but I'm a dreamer, a lover, and an emotional Pisces.

Til later...