Ugh what is wrong with you?

I am in this "I really want a man" phase and I'm trying to shake myself out of it.  I don't want to just pick some guy like I did before because I was lonely and thought I needed someone.  I want to just live my life and take care of the kids and just work on myself but it feels like I have this void I need to fill and its killing me.  I secretly envy the happy couples when I'm at work and I hate it, I hate feeling like I need someone when I really don't right now.  I talked to a friend about it and she says that its because I was with my husband for 11 years(married for 9) and I was used to having someone even though it wasn't a positive relationship.  I just need to be shaken and told that my kids make me happy and one day a guy that I deserve and deserves me will eventually come into my life and show me that there are good guys left in the world..until then I will have to deal with the creepers, the overobsessed, and the ones that I need to leave in the dust. 

In the words of my loving cousin Joe(who responded to an old FB status of mine)

So what you just got to do is just get you a bunch of these hood rats run through them, just knock them out. Boom, boom, boom. And once you've done slayed like all of them hood rats now you ready to go up to the upper echelon type ho.

You gotta love the crazy guy!

But anyway, I am feeling better because, well, I have lost weight and gained confidence...I do get hit on once in awhile especially at work




These are a size 13 which is a huge change from when I was a size 18-20!



The emotional Pisces

(I wrote this in a notebook last night around 12:30 a.m. so I'm re-editing what I wrote and probably adding)

Late nights make me think...way too much sometimes.  My life has been crazy this past year.  Its almost the end of 2010 and I feel like the only accomplishment was losing weight and getting rid of extra baggage(my ex-husband).  I feel like I still haven't done enough though.  I can be stubborn in the "I need help" department but I hate asking for it.  I realize there is nothing wrong with saying "Can you please be there for me?" but I feel like I am an inconvenience sometimes.

These past 10 years have made me think and learn.  I learned that having low self-esteem issues and lack of confidence have made me miss the important things in life.  I have screwed up friendships and relationships with others, befriended people that I should have never let in my life and got screwed in the long run.  I have put up walls lately and guys that want to date me I have pushed away and the ones that I want(ed) to date pushed me away.  I realize that looking for a new guy is not healthy for me right now and I need to take time out for myself and find myself even if that means letting the kids stay at my aunt and uncles for a week(end) I know they won't mind at all.  My aunt especially.  I have always made sure everyone else was happy before myself so being a bit selfish isn't bad at all once in awhile.  My body has also been a trainwreck and I haven't made the time to take care of it with all the junk food and greasy take out food from work its time to not only detox my mind but my body as well.

I want to share a song/video that I can never listen without tearing up.  Its called "I hope you dance" by LeAnn Womack.  It is a powerful message that everyone should take to heart...even yours truly.

I want this blog to not only be my venting place but my place to heal.  Some people may think I'm using this to get people to feel sorry for me but its certainly not true.  I want to reach out to people who felt like they weren't worth a damn; the ones, like myself, who was always the underdog.

The nerdy girl in school who never was asked to the prom or to go on dates.  The girl that stayed in her room listening to songs about heartbreak and love and dreaming about the day Prince Charming took her in his arms and told her she was so beautiful.  I know its delusional but I'm a dreamer, a lover, and an emotional Pisces.

Til later...

To hooah or not to hooah

hooah (hoo ah) adj., adv., n., v., conj., interj., excla. [Orig. unknown] Slang. 1. Referring to or meaning anything and everything except "no". 2. What to say when at a loss for words. 3.a. Good copy. b. Roger. c. Solid copy. d. Good. e. Great. f. Message received. g. Understood. h. Acknowledged. 4.a. Glad to meet you. b. Welcome. 5. "All right!" 6.a. I don't know the answer, but I'll check on it. b. I haven't the foggiest idea. 7. I am not listening. 8. "That is enough of your drivel; sit down!" 9. Yes. 10. "You've got to be kidding me!" 11. Thank you. 12. Go to the next slide. 13. You've taken the correct action. 14. I don't know what that means, but I'm too embarassed to ask for clarification. 15. Squared away (He's pretty hooah.) 16. Amen!

Ugh, these are gross too...

Ok, why did I decide to label my post as this?  

I've been in the military world since I was about 8 years old.  I lived and breathed army life though I was never in the army.  I had to fold my dad's ugly brown shirts just right or he'd have a fit.  We ate MRE's just to get the candy and the goodies in them.  Before I met my ex husband I swore up and down I'd never marry a soldier....

When I met my ex I was 19 and was pretty crazy...I blamed the soldiers, the guys who have nothing but pure sex and getting drunk on their little perverted immature minds.  I never thought I'd marry this guy but at 19 you think you are "in love".  I was one of those girls who thought it was "cool" to be dating a soldier and being an army brat you already know what its like.  When I met him he told me he was going to be stationed to Germany in January, well hell, that was 5 months away so I'll just have fun and let him go on his merry way.  Then my grandma died a couple months later so off to Illinois...

We get back to Georgia and find out we are going to be stationed around the same area as him.  He decides he wants to be with me and we get engaged...what the hell was I thinking?!?  see above 


So 2 years later we get married in Germany and I am in this "I'm in love" mindset because as I said before I was young and dumb.  Time went by, marriage started getting rocky and I won't go into details because its long and a waste of time.


2 kids later I decide to call it quits for things that again, I don't want to get into.  Nothing to do with adultery or that I "couldn't handle it" just things out of my control.


Now 9 years later and a friend of mine goes "you'll never get with a civilian, you are too much in the soldier mindset".


So now I'm thinking..."you may or may not be right"  Which is where I got the title...


I'm not looking for another soldier or a civilian guy, my divorce isn't final yet though I'm having fun as a single girl as I should be but there are a lot of soldier eye candy here at the "Great Place" and yes people, I still get nervous and girlish when I'm around these ACU clad boys...just something that will never go away.


Til later...

Music Monday Daughtry-Over You

I thought this song deemed appropriate for the moment...

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the actual post link here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.  

My new man..

Psh...I wish!  Ya know men think women don't like big guys and I'm here to tell you that is just not true.  You wanna know who?

Yep..Adam Richman from Man vs. Food.  Any guy who can cook and eat like that is a huge turn on for me.  I love watching him not only because he's hot but because when he eats like that it looks like he is also amazing in bed...*giggle*

So yes, I'm done with skinny little guys its time to play with the big boys now.

cry, build a bridge, and get over it

Guys play mind games.

Simple as that.  There is nothing we can do about it.

What is this post about you ask?  Well a few months ago(I believe it was Sept timeframe) I met a really great guy and hit it off...or so I thought.  He kissed me the first night we met and talked all night...by the riverside which as a Pisces I'm a total mushy girl and this song I would play constantly afterwards.

After that night he wanted me to spend time with him so I thought "him and I are going through the same thing...i.e. divorce so what the hell right?"  So we spent almost every weekend together and even spent the night at his house.  He would text me to see if I was doing ok and how his new job was and just everything. 

I would not hear from him again for a couple weeks and it happened every so often and I would literally dream about him the night before he would text or call...don't ask me why but it always happened.  He wanted me to go to breakfast with him last week so I was like "ok".  This was after I didn't hear from him for awhile.  I go and he brings his friend and his wife, no big deal.  The problem I had was that he ignored me the entire time then when we left he just said "take it easy" and got in his car.

Wow. Was all I had to say about that.

So he texts me today(I dreamt about him last night) and asks me if I was pissed at him...I said "yeah, kinda" and he asks me why.  I tell him why and he apologized.  I told him I realized that I was his rebound, he denies it then decides to tell me he doesn't see himself dating me which in turn I translated it to "I don't see myself dating someone like you"

Then it hit me.

Someone like me...oh you mean the chubby girl that you never would imagine dating, the one who you just see as friends and maybe someone you can use if you need some lovin?  Thats exactly how I was treated these past 3 months and I was too dumb to see just like the last 11 years I was with my ex.

Me in Jr. High..was not popular with the guys!

High School...yeah..you get my point.

So just his comment to me brought me back to those times where I was harassed, tormented, was told "you'll never get a guy".  I understand thats not what he wanted me to think but when you are in a chubby girl's shoes you'll see exactly why I thought this.

Why am I wasting my time even writing this post?  Because I'm angry that I'm so upset over this.  I shouldn't be, I should just put on my big girl panties and deal with it but I haven't.  I go over the times and all the deep conversations we had and it pisses me off because it takes me back to times with my guy friends that I wanted to be "more than friends" with.

Later...not sure when...I'll talk about my school age years and why it really lead to this blog post. 

Until then...

10 things you never knew about orgasm

For some reason it won't let me copy and paste the HTML so click here

I was amazed at the different ways people can orgasm without touching the genitals...at all!