My vlogs about my crappy car

Enjoy!

Happy 30th to MTV(I WANT YOU BACK!)

You once were good but now you went to total crap..what is wrong with you?  You were created when I was a year old so I got to enjoy actual videos.  Its a shame that the generation now has to put up with crap such as Jersey Shore and Teen Mom. 

I'm ashamed of you, you who once was a product of the greatest generation(the 80s)

To this horrid crap:

I'm ashamed of you MTV and ashamed that you have subjected yourself to this. 

Today I cried

An FYI I deactivated my facebook, I did not delete it, I needed to be without it for awhile I will return later.

Not because I've been divorced for two weeks now but because I need some soul searching.  I was tired of venting on Facebook mainly because everyone was telling me to get over it and quit looking for pity...since when does having a bad day and wanting to post it on your OWN profile equal to wanting pity?  Sometimes things I say are a cry out for help not pity but I'm too stubborn to ask for it.  I been drowning myself in not very healthy things these past few months..well since I was separated from my now ex and since we are divorced I can speak of some now.

Food...(ok, that is not one of the secrets)
Alcohol and soldiers do not mix(yes, thats the secret I had, you figure it out)

Starving myself some days, gorging the next

Should I go on?  Yeah, didn't think so. 

So before you all go on about how I'm looking for pity you all can kiss off because I'm trying to deal with everything the best way I can and I'm now seeing that I really had no support, I been doing this all and dealing with everything MYSELF so thanks for nothing.  Thanks for a few that thought that going back to my ex was better for me because you didn't want me around, thanks for thinking that the only reason why I left my ex was so I could go have fun with other men.

Thanks to a few family members who thought talking down to me was better than being there for me.  No ONE really has no idea what I'm thinking or feeling you all assume stupid things just so that way you can make me feel bad but ya know what?  Noone can make me feel bad without my permission and now you don't have my permission any longer because I'm going to make it, I will make it because the longer you degrade me, the stronger I will get.

Don't worry about me, I will get through it without you.

Trying to tune back into my ~ing

For awhile now I felt like I was worthless, stuck in a dead-end job(still do), never be able to find my true love, never be able to be the best mom, friend, ect. But I'm back in school, taking care of the babes, being there for my friends who need me, and I don't expect anything back in return.  My ego had been winning for so long that I was literally dirt under its negative feet.  I realized that once I started standing up for myself at work and in general that I am stronger than I thought I was.  I don't feel like that little girl that cried instead of saying "hey, knock it off!" I am one to tell people how I feel now, if you don't like me too bad, you either hate me or you love me, there is no gray area with me.  I can be the best friend you ever had or your worst enemy, its your choice but I am devoted to my friends no matter what and the ones that have known me for years can attest to that.

Gabby has literally changed my life and I love her for that.

Why I support the troops

Because of people like her...

No, I'm not going to get pissed or angry like a lot of people would I will say this though

I PITY HER!

Why?

Because obviously she never loved or been loved by a United States military man and thats a damn shame.  I pity her because she never once been to a deployment ceremony and seen the tear stained eyes of children and spouses saying goodbye to their soldier hoping that they will come home in one piece.

Its a shame that our troops have to defend people like this
Its a shame that her elementary mentality and ignorance led her to make others dislike her even more.
Its a shame that her friends who joined the military have to deal with her ignorant and prejudice(and stereotypical) remarks.

People like her forget September 11, 2001.

She goes on about how our troops kill innocent people...umm..if she would stop watching the liberal media she would know that these "innocent" people hide bombs under their clothing.  A lot of these children who she thinks are "innocent" shun our soldiers and hide all kinds of weapons under their clothing to kill them.  Not all Muslims are peaceful people and if she got out the Koran she'd know that.  I'd go on and on but it would turn into a political and religious debate.

People like her should be pitied because they have NO idea what they are talking about.

I don't support our administration but I support our troops 110% and if you don't stand behind them you can gladly stand in front. Thankyouverymuch.

Music Monday~Sarah McLachlan-Arms of the angels

 

This song deemed appropriate for today.  I learned that a friend of mine passed.  We weren't close but we met in Ft. Campbell, KY then, as us army family does, moves and goes our seperate ways.  Thank God for sites like Facebook so we can keep in touch.  My life had been such a crazy ruckus that I didn't even realize she was sick and in the hospital.  I logged on today and saw that a mutual friend of ours posted something on her wall and I was confused.  I went to her page and there were numerous comments about her passing.  It saddens me because I never stopped my own crazy life to see how my friends were doing.  It made me realize that I need to do so.

I also learned today that a co-worker's 5 year old daughter has brain cancer and has been given 3 months to live.  That hits hard to any mom who has a child, it hit me very hard.  It has been an emotional day so I decided to post this song for this day.

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it~Ferris Bueller 

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Late night pondering..

I always think a lot at night especially now since I've been alone for almost a year now..well technically my whole life.  I think I am probably destined to be alone, my relationships with guys have always been shit and the guy that I was married to for 10 years, who I thought I trusted, let me down time and time again.  The time he decided to change for "the better" was when I put my foot down and told him I was done with him.  I don't trust guys, I don't know if I ever could actually.  The one that I was seeing off and on just wanted someone to fix his loneliness issues, he still has a profile on Plenty of Fish(where I met him).  What is wrong with me?  I just don't get it.  I don't know if I ever will.

I am so happy for my friends who are in relationships, I understand that they have issues behind closed doors, every couple does, but the fact of the matter is that they "seem" happy.  I never really seemed happy at all.  When I was married I always fantasized what it would be like to really be "in love" and never really felt it.  I want to feel in love and not pretend like I am.  I want to have a guy who I can rely on to be there for me emotionally and I want to be there for him, I want to have serious conversations with and just chill on the couch.  I feel like I just settled and now I'm 31 and I feel like I'm too late now. 

I am now achieving my goals, goals that I should have achieved years ago but I know that the choices I made changed them.  We all make choices in our lives and I love my two babies, the best things I ever got out of this failed marriage and they keep me alive and their happiness keeps me going.  I'm also going back to school because I know that I need to have a better job and a better life for me and my kids.  I am trying my best to be the best that I can be and if I have to be alone for awhile so be it, I will have my lonely days but blogging and talking about it will help me deal with it. 

I keep myself in a bubble and really don't talk to anyone except when I'm at work and occasionally hang out with co-workers outside of work.  I want to do more but I'm just so busy I feel I don't have time to socialize which also means that I know I shouldn't have a relationship either.

I wish I had better relationships with everyone around me but I have been trying to work on myself to improve it, I get angry quickly and frustrated fast.  I just wish that I could feel better about myself emotionally and physically but I know that talking to someone will help that also(and my self-help books).